Star High
by Onsheka
Summary: Leia is on Modal UN. Luke's parents are Paranoid Survivalists. Graduate Obi-wan keeps coming back for crazy Ani and hippie uncle Qui-gon. Vader transfers, stalker Galen, everyone is terrified. Vader and Ani yearn for MILF Teacher Padme SHE MUST NEVER KNOW. Vader idolizes Qui-gon HE MUST NEVER KNOW. They are forced to dorm together, explosions, everyone is terrified. It gets worse.
1. Achievment Get: Best Hall Monitor Ever

_Star Campus offers a comprehensive education for students of all ages regardless of race, gender or financial status. We provide sufficient facilities to comfortably host 2,000 residents and educate a further 6,500 off-campus students. We promise a warm and supportive atmosphere to welcome your child into our family. And a family we are! With students with us from their crèche year to new transfers we have always given ou–_

This is bantha dung. You are sick of being ferried from school to school like some horrific leper. How much has this disrupted your education? Your psyche? You are lucky to be the smartest asshole around otherwise you might've been screwed like a two bit whore. You hate reading pamphlets for new schools. It's all lies, condescending lies wrapped in smug self congratulations. You would case the joint before making a decision. Unfortunately the decision isn't yours. Mother saved a lot in order to pay for residency so you are obliged to try to make this stick. But if you have to wear another preppy happy bright uniform you are going to burn something down. Resident's, all age's heh. A recipe for Chaos, Insubordination and Disrespectful Feuding. You will bring Order to your new abode. You are Angry and sixteen and you will have Respect if you have to kill for it.

Your name is Anakin Skywalker and you have been thrown into the Slammer. You like to call it the Slammer because it pisses off the Cadets. Also you are kind of a dork. You have been a PermaRes of Star Campus ever since you were nine. The Slammer is in fact called Solitary Detention Room #4 according to the reinforced glass door. The room is actually a closet. There are twenty Slammers on campus. You have been searched twice for contraband yet still have three crayons, three elastic bands, one big elastic band, two small elastic bands and 20cm of string. After drawing all over the walls, floor, ceiling and door you begin launching crayons with your bands at the door to annoy people. It is a resounding success. You manage to keep your big elastic band and string thus allowing you to play Cat's Cradle. An hour later your hands are impossibly tied and you are scraping off crayon with your teeth. You are terrible at Cat's Cradle.

"Ah, Firmus, punctual as always." Firmus Piett Cadet Commander marched in with his casual attire pressed, shoes polished and every button shining. He sat when indicated. His pale eyes met fatherly blue.

"Of course sir, your memo suggested that we have something of importance to discuss."

"Yes, yes. We are receiving a late transfer to our family. One ordinary schools cannot ah, handle."

"Is the transfer going to be a problem sir?"

"Oh no, dear me no. I have met with the young man, most promising, most promising indeed. He is merely frustrated by the plebeian mediocrity. Yes, I believe some small position of authority would suit him well."

"I respect you a great deal sir but I cannot assign a prefect without-"

"Oh no, I would never interfere with such things," Of course you wouldn't. "I am well aware that is your area of expertise. I merely suggest using his talents in a visual manner. You will of course require his file." Piett opened the offered file.

"Jesus Christ." Principal Palpatine smiled.

Luke Skywalker was super excited. In just two weeks I will begin seventh grade as a term-time resident. It's my second year in public education having been homeschooled throughout elementary. My parents are 'hella' paranoid about nuclear war. Hella is a word I learned at school along with other 'cool' words like 'epic' and 'win'. It's embarrassing that I always cringe like I'm saying a bad word all these young women keep crowding me when it happens. But I think I like that. There has been something fascinating about girls from ever since you were like ten that's like a bajillion years ago. Dad says I am Becoming A Man. I still have the diagrams because there could be a nuke any day and then where will your instructional guides be when you are raising twenty orphaned children? Mom and dad are always on about nukes and never throwing away anything. Because the spooks are watching. It used to give me nightmares. Anakin thinks it's funny, lousy stupid jerk of a distant cousin. In two years I will be a real member of the marching band and have a hundred buddies to beat him up. Not be this stupid triangle player. I am learning to play the best wind instrument. Brass is for jerky obnoxious jerk people. I think girls like guys who play wind, like how is a trumpet romantic. For some reason making girls pay attention is of ever greater importance. It may be written in the diagrams. Wonder what Cousin Ani is getting me for my birthday.

When Leia Organa Freshman strode into Star High something was terribly wrong. As an acute future diplomat she immediately noticed the fearful atmosphere being generated by the Permanent Residents. Something had happened. 'Oh God. Please don't be Skywalker again.' He probably killed someone. She has been expecting this to happen ever since he blew up the chemistry room in Elementary. 'Stupid sexy Skywalker.' It is an immutable fact that Skywalker is sexy as mini-Sky is adorable. She interrogates the PR's.

Wilhuff Tarkin President of the Student Body sniffed disdainfully as the ragamuffin Han Solo slouched into his neighbour seat. "Psst, hey Tark, have you heard about the new guy?" President Tarkin couldn't care less about some new guy. "Tark, seriously, I'd love to see you try to dance with this guy but seriously, don't. You might actually die." The President blinked. "I am so serious right now. I've seen him and I'm terrified. Everyone is terrified. Look around, terror, even Mad Max is scared."

"That is not an appropriate way in which to address your betters."

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Snooty, we all know you've got the talk, but the Mountain has come to Muhammad so to speak." Why couldn't that borderline criminal be born a few months later and curse the Juniors with his inanity? He refuses to behave in a manner befitting a Senior. Unfortunately not everyone has the pedigree you do. On observation Mr. Madine is looking somewhat unnerved. As are many of your fellow cohorts. It may bear investigation.

Sophmore Hobbie was settling down to get educated with his current best pal Wedge (In two hours you would leave for different classes and join future best pal Gyopie)you have both decided to carry on learning Huttese and German instead of dropping one for Spanish or something. Star Campus was well prepared for the economic expansion of the Far East, especially from the Huttese sector. Wes swears that he is half Huttese on his grandfathers' side. Wedge elbows you and points out the window "Is that Skyguy?" Oh God it is. "By the Hells, his shirt is tucked in."

"And his tie is done up."

"Since when did he have a tie? Since when did he know how?"

"Everyone is running to class suddenly. What is going on?"

"Look at Teach. I think he's going to cry." A final rush tumbles through the door and is quickly seated. Everyone is spooked. Albie leans forward towards you and hisses Have you heard- but is interrupted. Mr. Haako has stood and calls for silence.

"Ath you may have h-eard, we have a new student joining us, I can thee you are a-ll very excited to meet him." Condescending prick. "Well children," Oh God kill me. "The newest member of our family has certainly come a long way and has a very interesting hithtory. If you are nice and polite he may just tell you a-ll abou-t it." You wish there was a word that could express how much you cannot take his constant whiny lisping sing song voice. Why didn't you do Spanish you moron. "Let'th get thome thmi-leth on thothe faceth! I would like to introduce our newetht member!" He gestures the poor sap to come through the door, how embarrassing for him and oh god he's huge. Everyone stares like startled deer at the monster. He stood at six feet four. His shoulders a full meter wide. His muscles could not be contained by the largest uniform available. The top five buttons had been left undone and still it was tight against rippled pecs. There was no hope for the jacket oh god his jacket had a black cape. He must have used grease to get his pants on his thighs were huge oh god he can crush my skull with his thighs oh god. He wore the black of an Enforcer, dedicated to protect and discipline (oh God have mercy) the unruly masses. Everything was black and silver except his white shirt. Oh god he has knuckledusters on his gloves oh god there's spikes on his wrists. He wore two belts and belts on his Authoritative boots and a pouch strapped around his left thigh. And the mask. A black and chrome devil mask. There were tassels on his shoulders what even is that. "T-th-this is our new friend Darth Vader. Thay hello children!" Vader looked at them. There was silence. Then a whine akin to a dying soul. Vader met Hobbies' eyes and saw into his soul, he was a mere worm before a God and the stare went on forever. Hobbie felt terror gently cup his balls and rip out the hairs. Vader sat in the back and commanded the lesson to begin. He adjusted his sash which bore the legend 'Hall Monitor'. It was somehow terrifying.


	2. Wedge's Idea's are Terrible and Awful

Never in your life have you seen someone pull off the ridiculous bondage outfit of the Hall Monitor. It is the perfect piece of psychological warfare. Everyone is hoping he is a gentle giant. But your hope is frail and useless as the tears of tiny children. Recess comes and you are free. The PermaRes's obviously know something as everyone is shouting at them. Shouting quietly. _He_ might hear. No-one wants that. No-one. Not even Anakin. Speaking of whom. "Anakin! Psst! Anakin!"

"Ssssh not so loud. He has ears like a fox, or an owl. What's the ear equivalent of hawk-eyes?"

"Focus!" Said Wes Janson, you all look over your shoulders and you spot Tycho. You wave him over to the huddle in a furtive manner.

"Skyguy, demon guy, debrief me." Says Wedge, we could've been in Star Military we could've been contenders.

"Okay, kreth, okay," He loosens his tie. "So Vader, he dropped buy two weeks ago, got kicked out his last school I heard, the Cadets were talking 'bout it while I was in the Slammer. They said he nearly killed a guy but got off on account of being a minor and the guy being a major bag of dicks."

"He doesn't look that minor to me." Said Tycho.

"You see this tie? He cornered me and did this. He tucked my stanged shirt in what even is that? Who does that? And everyone ran off and deserted me." I didn't know if he was angrier about the abandonment or being dressed like a child. "And who carries around ties anyway? He's been after me for days, tryin' ta make me conform."

"So," I asked. "You're not scared of him?"

"'Course I'm sacred he could tear my head off but whatever, I can wreck all his shit. Burn it or something."

"See this is why you can't have nice things, you keep using it for fuel." Said Wes.

"Oh shut it. I'll burn your stuff too. Hey! Han! HAN!" Once again he has made himself the centre of attention.

"You know…" drawled Tycho.

"What?" "Yeah Ty, what?"

"Anakin always has to rotate his roommates."

"So?"

"So Vader must also have a roommate conga-line going."

"Tycho my man," Said Wedge. "You have given me an excellent idea." Your spine shivered in foreboding. It keeps doing that. Why do you hang out with these assholes anyway? "Come on lads, we need to organize this."

"Wedge," said Wes uncertainly. "It's not that I don't trust you. It's that I don't trust your ideas."

"Wes, Wes, Wes, have I ever lead you wrong? Don't answer that. Have I ever led you into trouble that we haven't laughed about later?"

"I seem to remember a lot of that laughter being hysterical in nature."

"I agree with Ty here." "Me too."

"Lad's you are killing me. I am actually dying. All this bitterness over a few small incidents-"

"SMALL INCIDENTS!"

"But this plan I promise you will solve most if not all our problems. Indeed I know that you have already committed to this plan, the details of which you don't need to know. I know this because we haven't seen each other all summer. We are going through whacky hi-jinks withdrawal gentlemen. Soon boredom will set in and we shall be back in our 6th grade situation. Do you want to go through that madness once more? That horror? No I didn't think so. We must do this for the sake of our sanity and that of the Student Body. For the little children and the baby mammas! For the good of all Star High! Today, today we shall be hero's men. Today the tyranny of fear shall be fought! Today the great tyrants shall fall to our combined might! Who's with me?" Later we would all regret cheering.

Leia was in the middle of a conversation with Winter when a sophomore approached her with a petition. "Hi! Wow you're beautiful, erm, excuse me. I was told that you're the Student Vice-President?"

"Aha no not yet, the polls aren't being held until the third week of term."

"Well it's just that a lot of the residents have signed a petition and I know you actually care about us, well I thought maybe, maybe you'd be able to get this enacted."

"What is the petition about?"

"Oh it's just a problem with the Permanent Residents really, y'see, there's these two guys that really scare the others-"

"Skywalker and Vader."Whoa so deadpan, snark patrol needs to get here quick she's outta control.

"Yeah. We had an idea that since they don't frighten the bejeezus out of each other then maybe they could share a dorm instead of this rotating mutual trauma business."

"I don't believe I have the power to do such a thing even if I were President."

"Well, you're the best at debate team, I mean you're the most persuasive person that ever existed, you are simply the best there is."

"Well, I wouldn't say that."

"Nonsense, everyone knows you have what it takes. You've got the drive and the skill and the smarts to do anything. And all the residents except Skyguy and Vader have signed."

"They didn't sign? You expect me to force someone into something they oppose?"

"No-nonono it's not like that we're just too scared to ask them. Vader might break me into a thousand pieces and I know Skyguy will burn all my stuff just to be an ass, he's already threatened to do it."

"I see. Then why don't _I_ ask them?" And she strode off.

"Oh. Oh God." Wedge darted after her. "Miss Organa, please, we have two thousand students on this clipboard. Two thousand, each of whom is negatively affected by rooming with those two terrors. The very idea makes them nauseas. This is the health and mental well-being of nearly a quarter of the student body." At last she began to slow down SITHSPIT there's Vader, by the Nine Hell's she's actually doing it.

"Darth Vader?" His head glided slowly to face her.

"Yes?" She gave him a winning smile, foolish freshman! Your smiles are powerless against his evil!

"I have a few short questions regarding your residency if you have the time to answer." Ooo she can compose speeches in her head too. Awesome, I should date her next year.

"Ask." And he continued surveying his new territory. Charming guy.

"First and foremost, are you satisfied with your current arrangement?"

"Yes."

"Do you have any reasonable concerns regarding your residency and/or roommate?"

"No" Way to go with the one word answers.

"Is there any way in which we the Student Council or the Faculty may improve your residency?"

"Yes. I would prefer solitude. Failing that a roommate who is less of a spineless coward." Ouch.

"And if there were a suitable resident?"

"There is only one such student. He is a stain upon the world and the human race." Double ouchies.

"He needs a role model. Unfortunately Obi-Wan Kenobi graduated years ago and is rarely able to visit."

"I do not care to be a role model. I simply wish for order and peace."

"There will be no peace if Skywalker is not pacified. Not a month goes by without an explosion." Yes! You go girl! Persuade that devil spawn! He's looking at me, he can read minds! Crap! Crap! Think about math! The eyes turned away. He seemed to consider, or consult dark cosmic forces, I really wouldn't be surprised. Finally he sighed.

"I reserve the right to hospitalise him if necessary."

Meanwhile at the dorms two thousand teens and pre-teens engaged in the mass emotional blackmail of Anakin 'Crazy Ani' Skywalker. "-And let's not forget the Motorbike Incident-"

"Oh my God will you people step off about the Motorbike! It was four years ago!"

"It was a third story window!"

"Calm down!"

"There was glass everywhere! Reinforced glass! How did you even break that!"

"Shoosh shhhhh calm shhhooshh.""

"And that time with the glitter glue and the ceiling fans." Mass nods accompany this statement.

"Haven't you heard of forgive and forget?" A tiny eight year old bites him "ARRRGH AAAHHH GETITOFFGETITOFF." He is pelted with pillows

"This is satisfying, this revenge business."

"You can't run anywhere Crazy Ani!"

"You will surrender to our demands!"

"TACO'S!"

"A WHOLE NIGHT'S SLEEP!"

"OUR SANITY INTACT!"

"TOOTHBRUSHES OFF-LIMITS!"

"Oh god what have I done? They've gone mad. I've finally done it. I am the only sane man."

Meanwhile at the deluxe staffroom Miss Organa presents the petition with carefully thought out speech. Everyone is impressed with her ability to both take credit and give props to Wedge for all this. But they are most impressed at that fact that she talked to Vader without losing her cool and that she didn't get broken when they shook hands. He has done it before Mr. Madine had a finger snapped he was in so much pain. Vader still hasn't apologised. This explains why he supported this awful awful idea. Nute Gunray, German language teacher and Rune Haako of Huttese were of the hope the two might destroy each other. Mace Windu Gym teacher agrees that 'that Skywalker brat needs taking down a peg or twenty'. Sargent Ackbar History, relates some personal story about an uppity kid in 'Nam that needed a disciplinarian to lay down the law and keep him alive. He is ignored. Old Sarge is always talking about his war stories. It got old so fast. Siri Taichi speaks "Skywalker is too much responsibility for a sixteen year old, especially one who is adjusting to a new situation."

"Ha!" Barks Mace. "That little asshole has been kicked out of so many schools his head is still reeling. This isn't anything new for him."

"I theem to wemember that Kenobi took responsibility when he was fifteen." Argued Gunray

"Yeah but the boy was nine at the time and regardless Kenobi was an especially responsible young man."

"Oh Siri you still haven't gotten over your little crush!" Squealed Aayla Secura Religious ed.

"I never had a crush on him! That is entirely inappropriate!"

"Obi-wan and Siri sittin' in a tree!"

"I WILL DESTROY YOU."

"Why so sensitive _Sir~i_?"

"Now girls let's not fight hmm?" They are calmed by the dulcet tones of Qui-gons voice. Everyone loves Qui-gon Art teacher. He is simply the best there is.

"Ignoring that childish display, I would like to interject that the difficulty with Anakin is his lack of respect for adults, in which case having a peer to check his impulses would be most beneficial." Stated Kid Mundi. Palpatine leaned forward.

"Is that your professional opinion Dr Mundi?"

"Yes sir, excepting yourself there is no-one on hand that he listens to."

"The boy does certainly run rampant unopposed doesn't he?"

"Maybe if you would just expel him he'd learn that actions have consequences!"

"Mace, do calm down."

"No, every single time he does _anything_ YOU let him off the hook!"

"May I make a suggestion?"

"Of course Firmus, do go ahead." Mace has another rage-aneurism. He swears he can see blood. Jinn works on soothing the dragon.

"We should simply put them on a trial run. If after three months there is positive or no change in either students' disposition then we continue the arrangement. If we feel that they have become a danger to themselves or others we revert to the original arrangements. Frankly we have many students who do not presently feel comfortable or indeed safe. This is not what this campus is about."

"Well said Firmus."

"Yes my boy very well said. Yet there is a voice I have not had the pleasure of hearing yet. Dear Padmé?"

"The boys will have to learn to work with people they disagree with; it would be such a shame to see such bright young men go to waste. However, if they do resort to violence how far will we allow them to escalate?"

"Indeed, the old conundrum, how far are we obligated to interfere for there safety? How far can we interfere without stunting their growth as human beings? I fear we shall have to really on our collective conscience to decide." Palpatine gazed around the room.

"Does anyone have anything to add?"

"It will be an interesting experiment." Offered Thrawn Applied Physics.

"Then it is decided. We will review in three months. Call them in."


End file.
